Life Is Scary, So…Try it Again.

I have issues relating to people. They either bore me or infuriate me, depending on my situation. Dealing in a casino exposes me to a massive slice of human personalities. Some good, some awkward, and many truly sad and/or infuriating. Lead to an addiction that took over my life.

Alcohol was my drug of choice and beating it was a beast. In the recovery process I learned about trauma and repression, how they had affected my life. I learned how to reinvent myself to face life and be a person who was happy. Yet, even after seven years of sobriety, I was still unhappy at work. I hadn’t changed that about myself, just accepted that harassment and hostile supervisors was my norm. Despite trying new things and finding myself again, I was still stagnating in a bad workplace.

After two decades at the same workplace I finally realized, maybe… I should try again? Scary, but the alternative was to continue banging my head against the wall and possibly regressing. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t going to be as long as I remained stuck in one place. I knew better, now.

So, I jumped ship. Applied for a similar position, was offered a better job, and took it. Put in my notice and started over. Easy? Haha, no. Yet I am very glad I did because I learned I had desired skills, could make new acquaintances, and still garnered respected without having already proven myself. My confidence was definitely boosted.

The new job wasn’t bliss but it was a step in the right direction. Still a negative environment, but had better supervisors. After six months, I saw myself feeling that familiar depression and stagnation and applied for a position in a different department. New job, same guest service skills, different environment. Yet this time, I already knew the department head and team members. It was a positive team I wanted to be a part of.

I feel braver and willing to try new things again. My perspective is wider. I see something I don’t like, I confront it, I don’t put my head down and push through.

Life is scary, but giving up is scarier. I’m grateful I’m in a position to change my work easily and to reinvent myself when I don’t like my direction. Even more, I’m grateful for the wisdom to see that I need to try again, start over.


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Deleted Mushroom

They/her. Colorist, Graphic Design student, dice dealer, semi-violinist, grateful recovering addict and ever evolving human.